I didn’t pay to see this movie. My friend bought me a ticket knowing I would never spend money to go see a Transformers movie in the theatre. This is very important because I have nothing good to say about this movie and I don’t want anyone to think I actually went out and supported it. I really dislike where the Transformers movie franchise has gone over the years. While the first movie was fun ( but not necessarily good), the franchise immediately nosedived with its second installment and hasn’t found a way to do anything right since then. Transformers: The Last Knight is two and a half hours of no one giving a shit about this franchise.
I honestly don’t even know where to start with this one. Okay we can start with what I actually liked about this movie. For all of the things Michael Bay gets wrong in pretty much every movie he makes, he’s actually pretty good behind the camera. He knows how to make action set pieces feel larger than life. The production designs are really cool and the cinematography isn’t half bad. That’s where it stops though. Everything else in this film is awful. Not just bad, but downright dreadful.
We’re at the point in the review where I’ll usually discuss the plot of the movie. The problem is I struggled to identify what the plot was. During the 2nd act of the film I realized that I still had no idea what this movie was actually about. All I had seen at that point was a collection of meaningless scenes that amounted to no information about an overarching narrative. There’s just a whole bunch of stuff happening for no reason. What made everything worse is that when the plot points were actually revealed and you finally figured out what this movie was about, they landed up rushing it. Seriously, how can a movie this long possibly be able to rush plot points? It doesn’t make any sense, but nothing in the movie made sense either so I guess it works out.
If your story is lacking then maybe your characters can help carry the movie…NOPE. Welcome to badly written Transformers characters part five. This time featuring one of the most annoying little girls ever in a movie. Her name is Izabella and she wants to help fight against…well nothing because there really isn’t a villain for 90% of the movie. Megatron shows up to let us know he still exists, but he barely qualifies as a main villain. Either way she says she can help a whole bunch of times and gives Cade lip every so often because apparently that makes her badass. All of her talk amounts to literally nothing though because she contributes nothing to this film. I wish I was exaggerating, but you could completely remove her and the movie wouldn’t change one bit. She’s useless.
We also have Vivian, who is this very intelligent woman. She plays a big part in what eventually becomes the plot of the movie, which is cool. The only problem is that the writers have no fucking clue how to write female characters and Michael Bay is too concerned with how sexy she looks to really highlight anything else. At first she appears to be different from the other leading ladies in this franchise, but you know they have to fuck it up. Her character takes a turn for the worst when they reduce her to some average bimbo that falls for the guy after seeing his abs (in a scene that also didn’t need to be in the movie). This happened while they were in a submarine with the world at stake. The submarine scenes are contenders for the worst movies scenes of the year.
Edmund Burton is the last of the “important” additions to the cast. He’s an old man who knows about the Transformers and eventually helps the other idiots. Nothing about his character really matters because his only real purpose is to hit you as hard he can over the head with exposition dumps.
There are new robots too, but they’re all shit. Hot Rod got introduced, but the only defining trait we know about him is that he likes French accents. Some little dude named Mohawk is a decepticon that was introduced too. Only reason he’s there is because Michael Bay needs to have Transformers with personalities that mirror racial stereotypes. It’s 2017, why is this even a thing anymore? Oh well fuck that character. There were a few more new robots, but they’re honestly not worth mentioning.
There are returning Transformers like Hound, Drift, Bumblebee, Optimus Prime, and Megatron. I’ll let you in on a little secret though, Optimus and Megatron are barely in the movie. Yup the two cornerstones on which this franchise was built upon are barely even in the movie. Instead we get a lot of Hound which isn’t good. Drift is there doing random shit, but for the most part even he looks bored. Bumblebee remains the only Transformer in all of the movies that I don’t have a problem with. He’s not amazing, but he’s the only character that is consistently okay. Sad part is I was looking forward to seeing more Megatron.
Acting is a pretty important of movies too, right? Well they fucked that up too. This is mostly toward the human characters though. The voice acting is actually pretty solid here. Ken Watanabe and John Goodman do what they can with the material they’re given and it’s pretty good. Peter Cullen and Frank Welker as Optimus and Megatron are fantastic once again. It’s an absolute treat to listen to them voice these iconic characters, even if they’re spitting out terrible dialogue. Mark Wahlberg though…not good. He looked completely lost in this film. His delivery was completely off and it became more apparent that he was miscast all along. He’s terrible and I hope he runs as far away from this franchise as he can. Izabela Moner who plays Izabella was…yeah you guessed it. Not good. She’s awful at pretty much everything. I look forward to seeing promising young actors, but she’s not one of them. The only thing she’s actually good at is running. Laura Haddock as Vivian was decent. Anthony Hopkins as Edmund looked like he was having a lot of fun. At least when he isn’t spewing out exposition.
Overall, this film is horrible. It’s an awful movie that insults your intelligence to the point that it feels like you’re being physically abused. I came out of the theatre with a headache because of how bad this movie was. Please allow this franchise to change hands. These characters deserve a more skilled director and a better group of writers. There’s so much talent here that is being wasted.
Transformers: The Last Knight gets a 3/100 and is awarded the title of….